Ever wonder if your children are really listening to you? One way to know, for certain, is to sprinkle some profanity into your quality family time.
Quality family time for the Masters= the 8 1/2 minute drive to Target
To be even more specific...During our 8 1/2 minutes of quality family time, the conversation topics usually include accusations of favoritism, reviews of previously denied requests, and general complaints of recent and past decisions. Most of our conversations are either suggestions of how I can improve their quality of life or evaluations of my parental performance. It's as if I am moonlighting as some entry level Customer Service representative.
Tuesday night, Chris (fellow Customer Service rep.) and I found ourselves justifying a trip to Target. Apparently, our seven-year-old and nine-year-old had more pressing matters to attend to. Heaven forbid they miss seeing episode 28 of Wizards of Waverly Place, which they know by heart, for the eleventy-seventh time. As we turned into the parking lot, a whiny voice came from the backseat. "Can we stay in the car?"
Mother of the year replied, "You'll freeze your a$$ off!"
The girls have heard plenty of cuss words cross my lips, but I'm pretty sure this was the first time I fired one directly at them. The first one to respond was Abby...
"Mama, said a$$. Can I say a$$, too? I promise I'll just say a$$ in the Jeep and not say a$$ in front of other people?"
If you know Abby, then you know she tried to get in as many a$$es as she could before I was able to regain control. I must admit, she nailed it. Her slight pause before each "a$$" was masterful, and her production of the /s/ sound would put a smile on the face of any speech teacher. She's a natural.
To be fair, I am not the sole source of explicit language. One of our family's favorite sing along songs is "Toes" by the Zac Brown Band. Chris granted the girls special permission to sing all the words as long as the words "stay in his truck". If you are not familiar with the song, the first line goes like this:
I've got my toes in the water,
a$$ in the sand,
not a worry in the world,
a cold beer in my hand,
life is good today
life is good today
I don't care who you are...hearing a seven-year-old belt out that song is just plain funny. What is even more humorous is the nine-year-old sitting next to her. Henley is the singer in the family. She is also our strict rule follower. She will sing along with us, but she will not say a$$.
Gone are the days when we could safely launch a bad word into the air without little ears hearing. We can't even spell the words, that just makes cussing educational. The girls know cuss words. I adore the fact that our girls think the "s" word means "stupid", the "d" word means "dumb" and the granddaddy of cuss words is "s-u". That's right. I don't want my kids to say shut-up, but we sing together about a$$es and beer.
I should probably not admit this since I am an adult (not to mention a teacher), but I enjoy the occasional use of profanity. It's therapeutic. It's cleansing. In some situations, my feelings cannot be adequately expressed with an "Aw, shucks" or an "Oh, poo". I simply cannot call the driver of the car two centimeters from my back bumper a "poo-head". I cannot describe the neighbor with supersonic hearing as a "witch". Dropping a large McDonald's sweet tea in my lap on the way to school, cannot be properly punctuated with a "son of a gun".
I distinctly remember the first time I heard my own mother pepper the air with profanity. I remember laughing......then running. While she doesn't cuss often, she does cuss consistently, and she keeps it contained to the kitchen. She taught me everything I know about cooking. Her recipe for southern fried okra calls for 1 cup cornmeal, 2 Tablespoons milk, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon black pepper and half a dozen dammits.
I'm sure the days of the "s" word and the "d" word will soon be gone. Soon, I will be a "b", and life will be living "h-e-double hockey sticks".
But....
Life is good today.
To those of you I've offended......I'm surprised it's taken me this long.
To my sweet grandmothers......Chad cusses, too.
To my wonderful boss......I swear I avoid using profanity in my lesson plans.
To my parents......I still look around before I use the word "crap" and I usually whisper it.
To our dog, Baxter......truth is, your mom really is a bitch.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
If You Wake Me Up Again, I'll Punch You In the Throat
Yes, I threatened to punch my husband in the throat if he woke me up again. I am not really concerned about the legal rammifications that would follow such a threat since the comment is as commonly used in our relationship as the phrase, "Bless You" or "Excuse Me."
If the sweet old lady in front of me at Shipley's buys the last chocolate cake doughnut with sprinkles, Chris would quietly whisper to me, "Punch her in the throat."
If someone asks me when my baby is due while I am wearing my "I thought these were my skinny jeans", Chris would say, "Punch her in the throat."
However, at five o'clock this morning, it was not a threat......it was a promise.
My sweet husband found me asleep on the couch. He woke me up to tell me I needed to go to sleep. As I climbed in bed I thought of how I'd just struggled for four hours to fall asleep only to do it all over again. I told him he should expect a punch in the throat.
I do not have a sleeping problem. I'm really quite good at sleeping. I even recall napping during a red light, once. However, the past few weeks I can either NOT fall asleep or NOT stay asleep. I think I can pinpoint the moment the problem started. One sleepless night, I stumbled upon a "Golden Girls" marathon on channel 106. A mere seven channels away was "The Wonder Years". The next night I found "Who's the Boss" and "Family Ties". It was like my favorite childhood shows were having an all night party, and I wanted to be invited. A couple of nights later, I accidently stopped on an infomercial selling a foot cleaner for the shower. At three a.m., a foot cleaner makes sense. At three a.m., the fear that you have failed your family in foot hygeine all these years can honestly keep you awake. What else was I depriving my family of? A trimmer for female facial hair (why have my friends not told me about my facial hair)? A more versitile vacuum cleaner (we don't even have carpet)?
Since I am not sleeping at night, I have found myself trying to sneak in a quick nap before making dinner. Just as I fall asleep, I hear the sweet angelic sound of one of my darlings' voices. "Mama, are you asleep?"
Now as a child, I knew better than to wake a sleeping parent. Our house rule was if you came home after the parental units were asleep, you turned off the hall light and went to bed. If you tried to wake up my mom, she recited crazy nursery rhymes or mumbled incoherantly about opposite words. I certainly never woke her up to ask her if she was asleep!!!!
My kids, however, will walk through the living room, around their father, violently tap me awake to find out if they can have a snack. They will stumble across the house in the middle of the night, over to my side of the bed, shake me awake to tell me they can't sleep. I've tried to outsmart them. Chris and I have switched sides and they've gone over to Dad's side, realized he was asleep and then proceeded to walk around and wake me up. (I know all this because I was fake sleeping. I had to. I was conducting a psychological experiment!!!)
Over the past nine years, I woke up to every single baby gurgle, giggle, cough, and toot. I didn't need a monitor to hear the "hungry" cries or the "change me" cries. I could hear croup before the child could even cough. I could hear an upset stomach before the child could make it to the bathroom. I could tell you exactly which child is up by the sound of their unique footsteps. Now that I think about it, moms don't ever sleep. We have periods of time in which our eyes are closed, but we are never truly asleep. Never truly at rest.
Point being....I'm tired. Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia, Tony, Angela, Kevin, Winnie- I will not be at the party tonight. Henley, Abby, if you need to vomit, cough, enjoy a midnight snack, or declare your inability to sleep, please wake the parent on the other side of the bed. Heaven forbid, if ANYONE decides to wake me up just to tell me to go to bed- you best be ready.....'cause I'll punch you in the throat.
Sweet dreams!
If the sweet old lady in front of me at Shipley's buys the last chocolate cake doughnut with sprinkles, Chris would quietly whisper to me, "Punch her in the throat."
If someone asks me when my baby is due while I am wearing my "I thought these were my skinny jeans", Chris would say, "Punch her in the throat."
However, at five o'clock this morning, it was not a threat......it was a promise.
My sweet husband found me asleep on the couch. He woke me up to tell me I needed to go to sleep. As I climbed in bed I thought of how I'd just struggled for four hours to fall asleep only to do it all over again. I told him he should expect a punch in the throat.
I do not have a sleeping problem. I'm really quite good at sleeping. I even recall napping during a red light, once. However, the past few weeks I can either NOT fall asleep or NOT stay asleep. I think I can pinpoint the moment the problem started. One sleepless night, I stumbled upon a "Golden Girls" marathon on channel 106. A mere seven channels away was "The Wonder Years". The next night I found "Who's the Boss" and "Family Ties". It was like my favorite childhood shows were having an all night party, and I wanted to be invited. A couple of nights later, I accidently stopped on an infomercial selling a foot cleaner for the shower. At three a.m., a foot cleaner makes sense. At three a.m., the fear that you have failed your family in foot hygeine all these years can honestly keep you awake. What else was I depriving my family of? A trimmer for female facial hair (why have my friends not told me about my facial hair)? A more versitile vacuum cleaner (we don't even have carpet)?
Since I am not sleeping at night, I have found myself trying to sneak in a quick nap before making dinner. Just as I fall asleep, I hear the sweet angelic sound of one of my darlings' voices. "Mama, are you asleep?"
Now as a child, I knew better than to wake a sleeping parent. Our house rule was if you came home after the parental units were asleep, you turned off the hall light and went to bed. If you tried to wake up my mom, she recited crazy nursery rhymes or mumbled incoherantly about opposite words. I certainly never woke her up to ask her if she was asleep!!!!
My kids, however, will walk through the living room, around their father, violently tap me awake to find out if they can have a snack. They will stumble across the house in the middle of the night, over to my side of the bed, shake me awake to tell me they can't sleep. I've tried to outsmart them. Chris and I have switched sides and they've gone over to Dad's side, realized he was asleep and then proceeded to walk around and wake me up. (I know all this because I was fake sleeping. I had to. I was conducting a psychological experiment!!!)
Over the past nine years, I woke up to every single baby gurgle, giggle, cough, and toot. I didn't need a monitor to hear the "hungry" cries or the "change me" cries. I could hear croup before the child could even cough. I could hear an upset stomach before the child could make it to the bathroom. I could tell you exactly which child is up by the sound of their unique footsteps. Now that I think about it, moms don't ever sleep. We have periods of time in which our eyes are closed, but we are never truly asleep. Never truly at rest.
Point being....I'm tired. Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia, Tony, Angela, Kevin, Winnie- I will not be at the party tonight. Henley, Abby, if you need to vomit, cough, enjoy a midnight snack, or declare your inability to sleep, please wake the parent on the other side of the bed. Heaven forbid, if ANYONE decides to wake me up just to tell me to go to bed- you best be ready.....'cause I'll punch you in the throat.
Sweet dreams!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Let's Make All Our Christmas Presents This Year
I think I actually did this once. I'm pretty sure it was the first Christmas Chris and I were married. I think we exchanged packages of Smack Ramen. As for the rest of the family, I think I painted charming little ceramic ornaments that would rival any kindergarten artist. Notice I said charming. I don't think I could get away with that this year......or ever again. Maybe "charming" really means "broke but thoughtful".
Now how can I pull off "charming" gifts this year? Baking backfires. I mess up so many batches that I end up spending money on a real gift after I've spent an equal amount trying to bake something worth gifting.
I can sew. Surely everyone on my list would appreciate a homemade pillowcase since that is the exent of my sewing abilities.
I've even thought about making coupon books. Odds are- if I offer to clean someone's house or cook dinner, the recipient will think back to the last time I had them over for a meal and consider the offer offensive.
How about this.....why don't I give everyone "The Thought That Counts". I will make a list of all the things I would LOVE to give the special person if money was no object. I could even write on cute homemade paper and decorate it with scrapbooky things.
Just like last year, I will spend a truck load of money I don't have, on gifts my loved ones don't want, during the hours in which I should be digesting my Thanksgiving meal while sleeping late. I love deciding who will be the lucky recipient of the half price, 25% off discount during the early bird sale where everything is an additional 10% off Iced Tea Maker.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like an Ice Tea Maker identical to the one I gave you last year.
Now how can I pull off "charming" gifts this year? Baking backfires. I mess up so many batches that I end up spending money on a real gift after I've spent an equal amount trying to bake something worth gifting.
I can sew. Surely everyone on my list would appreciate a homemade pillowcase since that is the exent of my sewing abilities.
I've even thought about making coupon books. Odds are- if I offer to clean someone's house or cook dinner, the recipient will think back to the last time I had them over for a meal and consider the offer offensive.
How about this.....why don't I give everyone "The Thought That Counts". I will make a list of all the things I would LOVE to give the special person if money was no object. I could even write on cute homemade paper and decorate it with scrapbooky things.
Just like last year, I will spend a truck load of money I don't have, on gifts my loved ones don't want, during the hours in which I should be digesting my Thanksgiving meal while sleeping late. I love deciding who will be the lucky recipient of the half price, 25% off discount during the early bird sale where everything is an additional 10% off Iced Tea Maker.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like an Ice Tea Maker identical to the one I gave you last year.
I've Got Time to Vote
Honestly, if Henley had not just taken a test in Social Studies (Rights and Responsibilities) I would have totally skipped out on voting. Well- since I am being honest....I also decided to vote because I did not have my garage door opener therefore I was locked out of the house until Chris came home.
I hate elections. I hate people being mean to each other. I hate standing in line to choose one mean person over another.
I think if you want to represent me then you better be able to walk in my shoes. You better be able to keep two over tired kids entertained while waiting in a line in which the two over tired kids will get NOTHING out of it---no bank suckers, no Wal-Mart stickers, no Good as Gold awards.
On a seperate note- I think voter turn out would be much higher if they:
had a cash bar
served snacks
gave out door prizes
gave a tax break for voting
offered babysitting
provided chair massages
Maybe I should run for office.
I hate elections. I hate people being mean to each other. I hate standing in line to choose one mean person over another.
I think if you want to represent me then you better be able to walk in my shoes. You better be able to keep two over tired kids entertained while waiting in a line in which the two over tired kids will get NOTHING out of it---no bank suckers, no Wal-Mart stickers, no Good as Gold awards.
On a seperate note- I think voter turn out would be much higher if they:
had a cash bar
served snacks
gave out door prizes
gave a tax break for voting
offered babysitting
provided chair massages
Maybe I should run for office.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wait- what day is it?
Just like every other teacher, the last few days of school are filled with dreams of carefree summer days. I actually planned projects to complete on these carefree summer days. I made the mistake of telling Chris about my plans.
He laughed.
He knows me.
My main goal was to update our photos throughout the house. He bet me a "Girls Weekend" that I wouldn't get it done.
I have taken tons of pictures this summer. I actually read the manual for our camera. I know what mode to take beach pictures (beach mode). I've organized what pictures I want and where (in my head). I officially have two days of summer left and I have not physically touched a photo or frame.
Really I had good intentions. We bought 5 large frames from IKEA (Viserum) and Chris even mounted them on the walls. The frames have been there since June. The frames are empty. That's a lie. They were empty until we went to Mexico. Our neighbors watched our dog for us.........and did a little decorating. We now have handmade portraits of our neighbors hanging in the frames. Sweet little stick figures of English, Shannon, Addison, Sally Sue, and Biscuit.
The project will get finished. Here is how it will get finished:
I will try to organize everything.
I will get frustrated.
I will feel like a failure.
I will start crying.
Chris will tell me to take a break.
Chris will finish it in less than 30 minutes (including clean up time).
So I guess Chris will earn the "Girls Weekend".
Speaking of weekend. I now have less than 30 minutes to pack the family for a camping trip. That means I have 30 minutes to organize, get frustrated, feel like a failure, start crying, and take a break.
He laughed.
He knows me.
My main goal was to update our photos throughout the house. He bet me a "Girls Weekend" that I wouldn't get it done.
I have taken tons of pictures this summer. I actually read the manual for our camera. I know what mode to take beach pictures (beach mode). I've organized what pictures I want and where (in my head). I officially have two days of summer left and I have not physically touched a photo or frame.
Really I had good intentions. We bought 5 large frames from IKEA (Viserum) and Chris even mounted them on the walls. The frames have been there since June. The frames are empty. That's a lie. They were empty until we went to Mexico. Our neighbors watched our dog for us.........and did a little decorating. We now have handmade portraits of our neighbors hanging in the frames. Sweet little stick figures of English, Shannon, Addison, Sally Sue, and Biscuit.
The project will get finished. Here is how it will get finished:
I will try to organize everything.
I will get frustrated.
I will feel like a failure.
I will start crying.
Chris will tell me to take a break.
Chris will finish it in less than 30 minutes (including clean up time).
So I guess Chris will earn the "Girls Weekend".
Speaking of weekend. I now have less than 30 minutes to pack the family for a camping trip. That means I have 30 minutes to organize, get frustrated, feel like a failure, start crying, and take a break.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Birthday Time
Having my first born's birthday the week before school starts was poor planning on my part. Who am I kidding- when I was 25 (a baby myself), I had no idea I would spend SO much time planning these crazy birthday soirees. After Abby's knock down drag out sleepover in April, Chris and I swore we'd rather have our eyes pecked out by an angry mob of chickens before having another sleepover.
Today's "Things I Shouldn't Have Said"- Alright Henley, we'll have a sleepover, just please stop crying!!!
The deal was- only 3 friends and not a big fuss.
I'm not sure how, but now we are at 8 friends and the fuss is getting bigger. It's partly my fault. I have these silly ideas that jump out of my mouth before I think of the consequences. "It would be really neat to play 'Minute to Win It' games." Now I have to come up with the games and of course prizes. This is from the same person who thought it would be cool to have 2 year olds to hunt for live ladybugs which resulted in us housing 1000 bugs in our fridge.
Now for the present. She wants another "American Girl" doll. It is this generation's version of the Cabbage Patch Doll. Chris and I have tried time and time again to convince the girls these are a waste of money. I think I even said, "It doesn't even DO anything."
It doesn't connect to the internet, it doesn't make any noise, it doesn't require batteries, it comes completely assembled, it includes a chapter book, and requires a decent amount of creativity to make it "come to life". Hmmmm.
Heaven forbid we get her a present that will enrich her life. Nope, we want her to get a new DSi because her current one is on life support.
Did I mention her birthday theme is based on a Disney show she was banned from watching up until a week ago?
Parenting is all about compromise. Compromise and feasting on our words.
Today's "Things I Shouldn't Have Said"- Alright Henley, we'll have a sleepover, just please stop crying!!!
The deal was- only 3 friends and not a big fuss.
I'm not sure how, but now we are at 8 friends and the fuss is getting bigger. It's partly my fault. I have these silly ideas that jump out of my mouth before I think of the consequences. "It would be really neat to play 'Minute to Win It' games." Now I have to come up with the games and of course prizes. This is from the same person who thought it would be cool to have 2 year olds to hunt for live ladybugs which resulted in us housing 1000 bugs in our fridge.
Now for the present. She wants another "American Girl" doll. It is this generation's version of the Cabbage Patch Doll. Chris and I have tried time and time again to convince the girls these are a waste of money. I think I even said, "It doesn't even DO anything."
It doesn't connect to the internet, it doesn't make any noise, it doesn't require batteries, it comes completely assembled, it includes a chapter book, and requires a decent amount of creativity to make it "come to life". Hmmmm.
Heaven forbid we get her a present that will enrich her life. Nope, we want her to get a new DSi because her current one is on life support.
Did I mention her birthday theme is based on a Disney show she was banned from watching up until a week ago?
Parenting is all about compromise. Compromise and feasting on our words.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Maiden Post
Is it pompous of me to start a blog without any followers? It is much like my Twitter account that has ZERO followers. How strange that scientists have not created a time machine, yet Twitter can quickly take me back to the wallflower feelings of a junior high dance. Why take the time to scrunch my corkscrew permed hair, create a perfect fountain of bangs, and wear a black and white Multiples shirt/dress with a coordinating mismatched polka dotted belt if NO ONE will dance with me? Hence the blogging without followers.
Let me give you a run down on what you will find here and what you won't find-
I will misspell words.
I will commit grammar sins.
I will occasionally curse. If I am feeling angelic- I might clean it up, but no promises.
I will not use names (that's a lie).
I will not do this everyday.
I will not write about my dog on every post.
I will not feel bad for offending anyone.
My mother has often said my mouth works faster than my brain. I like to think of it as a disability. I was born without a filter which can be both entertaining and destructive. I plan to only include the entertaining portions and leave the destruction to the experts (BP).
Let me give you a run down on what you will find here and what you won't find-
I will misspell words.
I will commit grammar sins.
I will occasionally curse. If I am feeling angelic- I might clean it up, but no promises.
I will not use names (that's a lie).
I will not do this everyday.
I will not write about my dog on every post.
I will not feel bad for offending anyone.
My mother has often said my mouth works faster than my brain. I like to think of it as a disability. I was born without a filter which can be both entertaining and destructive. I plan to only include the entertaining portions and leave the destruction to the experts (BP).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)