Yes, I threatened to punch my husband in the throat if he woke me up again. I am not really concerned about the legal rammifications that would follow such a threat since the comment is as commonly used in our relationship as the phrase, "Bless You" or "Excuse Me."
If the sweet old lady in front of me at Shipley's buys the last chocolate cake doughnut with sprinkles, Chris would quietly whisper to me, "Punch her in the throat."
If someone asks me when my baby is due while I am wearing my "I thought these were my skinny jeans", Chris would say, "Punch her in the throat."
However, at five o'clock this morning, it was not a threat......it was a promise.
My sweet husband found me asleep on the couch. He woke me up to tell me I needed to go to sleep. As I climbed in bed I thought of how I'd just struggled for four hours to fall asleep only to do it all over again. I told him he should expect a punch in the throat.
I do not have a sleeping problem. I'm really quite good at sleeping. I even recall napping during a red light, once. However, the past few weeks I can either NOT fall asleep or NOT stay asleep. I think I can pinpoint the moment the problem started. One sleepless night, I stumbled upon a "Golden Girls" marathon on channel 106. A mere seven channels away was "The Wonder Years". The next night I found "Who's the Boss" and "Family Ties". It was like my favorite childhood shows were having an all night party, and I wanted to be invited. A couple of nights later, I accidently stopped on an infomercial selling a foot cleaner for the shower. At three a.m., a foot cleaner makes sense. At three a.m., the fear that you have failed your family in foot hygeine all these years can honestly keep you awake. What else was I depriving my family of? A trimmer for female facial hair (why have my friends not told me about my facial hair)? A more versitile vacuum cleaner (we don't even have carpet)?
Since I am not sleeping at night, I have found myself trying to sneak in a quick nap before making dinner. Just as I fall asleep, I hear the sweet angelic sound of one of my darlings' voices. "Mama, are you asleep?"
Now as a child, I knew better than to wake a sleeping parent. Our house rule was if you came home after the parental units were asleep, you turned off the hall light and went to bed. If you tried to wake up my mom, she recited crazy nursery rhymes or mumbled incoherantly about opposite words. I certainly never woke her up to ask her if she was asleep!!!!
My kids, however, will walk through the living room, around their father, violently tap me awake to find out if they can have a snack. They will stumble across the house in the middle of the night, over to my side of the bed, shake me awake to tell me they can't sleep. I've tried to outsmart them. Chris and I have switched sides and they've gone over to Dad's side, realized he was asleep and then proceeded to walk around and wake me up. (I know all this because I was fake sleeping. I had to. I was conducting a psychological experiment!!!)
Over the past nine years, I woke up to every single baby gurgle, giggle, cough, and toot. I didn't need a monitor to hear the "hungry" cries or the "change me" cries. I could hear croup before the child could even cough. I could hear an upset stomach before the child could make it to the bathroom. I could tell you exactly which child is up by the sound of their unique footsteps. Now that I think about it, moms don't ever sleep. We have periods of time in which our eyes are closed, but we are never truly asleep. Never truly at rest.
Point being....I'm tired. Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, Sophia, Tony, Angela, Kevin, Winnie- I will not be at the party tonight. Henley, Abby, if you need to vomit, cough, enjoy a midnight snack, or declare your inability to sleep, please wake the parent on the other side of the bed. Heaven forbid, if ANYONE decides to wake me up just to tell me to go to bed- you best be ready.....'cause I'll punch you in the throat.
Sweet dreams!
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